I recently came across psychotherapist Esther Perel’s Seven Verbs of Loving, Her premise is simple. Love isn’t just something we feel. It’s something we practice.
She suggests that loving well isn’t a feeling – it’s a set of skills we can all practice. These are her seven verbs of love:
Ask – Express what you need instead of expecting others to read your mind.
Take – Take initiative. Pursue what matters instead of waiting for permission.
Receive – Accept love, kindness, and compliments with grace.
Give – Offer your time, attention, and generosity without keeping score.
Share – Invite others into your inner world including sharing your hopes, fears, and dreams.
Refuse – Say no when you need to. The healthiest relationships make room for both a wholehearted yes and an honest no.
Play – Laugh together. Stay curious. Make room for joy.
As I reflected on the list, I realized one verb has been my greatest teacher. Ask for what I need.
For years, I wanted the people who love me to know what I needed without me having to ask. If they really knew me, surely they would notice when I was overwhelmed. Surely they would know when I needed encouragement, a hug, or simply someone to listen.
But love isn’t mind reading.
One of the most important lessons I’ve learned is that asking isn’t a sign of weakness or neediness.
It’s an invitation. It replaces assumptions with clarity.
I’ve come to believe that many of our disappointments in relationships don’t come from a lack of love.
They come from unspoken expectations. The expectations we never voiced. The needs we never expressed. The hopes we quietly carried, believing the other person should simply know.
Perhaps loving well isn’t about grand romantic gestures. Perhaps it’s about practicing these small verbs, one conversation at a time.
I’m curious. Which of these seven verbs comes naturally. And which one might be inviting you to practice a little more?
